“I have been raped at 5, 12, 19 & 36”

A True Story of a tormented woman…

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Recent weeks have opened the flood gates, the horror of being raped as engulfed me again. I was first raped at the age of 5 and it continued till I was 7yrs. …only I didn’t know or understand what was happening to me.

At the age of 12, my friend’s uncle beat and raped me repeatedly… in my school uniform…. again I didn’t know any better… I was silent, scared and threatened not to tell anyone. So i kept the secret, hiding my pain, living in shame with myself….

Age 19… coming home from work, I was held with a knife and again beaten and raped. This time managed to run to police but still didn’t help me as he wasn’t caught, and no medical checks were ever given to me….

Age 36… armed robbery at home… All family held, tortured for two hours. I was raped by four men. The bullet passed my head by inches. This incident played a vital role in my healing process. Please remember I had never shared my secret with anyone, I locked myself in silence.

I only trusted myself and GOD. I always believed in GOD since a little girl and I still do. Firstly I want to describe the feelings that went through me as the rapes occurred. It was horrible, frightening, painful, dirty, and it felt like my heart was exploding with anger, betrayal, hurt.

I scrubbed my body up to 5 times a day, I couldn’t remove the dirtor shame I felt, neither could I remove the disgust or guilt I felt within me. you see I blamed myself for the RAPES… I thought that all girls did those things, so I accepted it as was chosen for me by birth, for years and years.

I live a double life…. I am outgoing, sociable, loved by all. I am a carer and volunteer. I am another and grandmother. Yet inside I am a lost ittle child. I never played with dolls or toys, never had shoes till I was 11….

My first real birthday was 21, when I gave myself a huge party, to get back to my feelings. I was a hurt,lost and lonely woman for so long. After the RAPE at 36, when the bullet passed my head by inches, I had an ‘out of body’ experience.

It changed my whole life…. I am healed in so many ways… I love myself, trust myself and GOD only… I learned how to shut the five senses, balance my chakras,and re-distribute all energies to the right places… I replace negetive thoughts with immediate positive thoughts… I see my body as a temple and myheart/soul/spirit as GOD. So… Yes! GOD resides within me…. Today I only feel anger and want all RAPE victims to get help from hospitals, counselling, police etc…. I never got any help from any of these government hospitals etc…. I was shunned by people that knew about our last armed robbery and RAPE…

Still they looked at me like I deserved it… I forgave all and live a PEACEFUL Life….

SO my Advice to all, whether you a victim or not, help one other, speak, listen and love and support one other. Show your understanding and compassion towards those that need your love and guidance.

Sex education should be given to all children from the age when they are ready to go to school… be discreet …use your head… Educate, not suppress them….

Thank you for taking time to read this…

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About Shabab Khan

A Journalist, Philanthropist; Author of 'The Magician', 'Go!', 'Brutal'. Being a passionate writer, I am into Journalism and writing columns, news stories, articles for top media house. Twitter: @khantastix khansworld@rediffmail.com
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2 Responses to “I have been raped at 5, 12, 19 & 36”

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